A dream. A dream I remember vividly…
The sun was shining down from the clear blue sky, creating a bright white glare in front of me. I saw myself sun kissed and brown, in a summer dress. I called out but I couldn’t hear myself. Suddenly the sound came through as I called a second time, “Esther!”. A little girl came running and broke through a pair of trees. Running towards me she giggled. In her own summer dress covered in flower print. Long brown hair fell down her back as she ran to me. Finally I picked her up, wrapping her arms around my neck and slowly we walked away together.
My dream. One that I’ve had three times over the course of ten years. The very first was when I was twelve years old. An odd type of dream for a twelve year old. But I remember thinking how strange it was that I could remember the details.
The second time was after I graduated high school at seventeen. Surely it couldn’t be a coincidence to have the same exact dream? I shared my dream with my boyfriend at the time (now husband) and we prayed about it for quite some time but never got an answer from the Lord. I continued on with life only to think of my dream every so often at little instances that reminded me of this small girl.
The third was before my first daughter was born. At the time we knew that we were having a girl and had yet to decide on a name. At that moment I was convinced “Steven I think we should call her Esther?!” So we prayed and thought and although we loved the name in our hearts we didn’t feel that it was right. In fact we had come to the consensus that Esther, Esther was going to be special to us. Special in every way. Extraordinary and teach us something and draw us closer to the Lord. Finding out we were having our second daughter we prayed again and the Lord gave us the same conclusion. “She was going to change our lives.”
My heart has been breaking and slowly over the past few months God has been mending it back together. Late December the day after Christmas my husband and I, lost our child. A child that wasn’t part of our plan, but part of God’s and nevertheless we loved unconditionally. In the days before the emotions ranged from shocked, excitement, panic, at the thought of having three children under the age of three. But after that it was a pure delight. “Would it be a boy?” “What will our family say?”, “Three Girls!”. It was too early to know. I had had no appointments and never heard the heartbeat. But in my heart and in my gut I knew that this little being was in fact, my third daughter.
I didn’t know how to handle what had happened to me, to my child. Heartbroken I cried for days, my husband and I cried together and prayed. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.- Job 1:21 After the crying was over, I tried to continue on with life, loving on my girls and taking in every moment. I shut myself off and somehow I had no emotion except sadness. No tears, no anger. Just simply heartbroken. I shared my heartache with the few women I hold dear, both knowing what I was going through. They went above and beyond to love me and only a small few have known of my heartbreak until now.
Weeks later I had shoved it so far down inside of me that it felt that nothing had happened. Except every once in awhile pricks were made and it was a reminder of what no longer remained. I prayed to God to help heal my heart. Was I wrong to feel nothing? Why did I feel this way? Until one night we went a friends home to play games, we stayed late chatting the night away. One conversation led to another and suddenly an uncontrollable sob came over me. My dear sister and friend held me, and we cried together. No one kept track of time and I wept endlessly. The days following, I cried more and I felt as though I wouldn’t stop. I continued in prayer knowing that God was carrying me through this time.
In early December I attended a Women’s Conference with a friend and at the conference at each setting there was a personal card that had a specific prayer and word for each woman. Mine wrote…
You are stepping up onto a rise, not big in the natural but a new level in the spiritual. No fear, it is a wider place and what awaits is the Father’s good plan. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”- Jeremiah 29:11
Instantly I was moved I’ve had this feeling of my dry spiritual life finally coming to LIFE since October and this was just another reminder of God’s promise. That he and I would draw close again and this time it was going to be unbreakable and not slowly fade away. Over the course of the past months I never blamed God or got angry with him I only ever in-rooted myself more in his word and took in everything he gave me to try and understand how I was feeling.
Finally, I am healing and sad moments come occasionally but quickly fade knowing that God has a plan for it all. During one of my moments of sadness my dream came to me and I closed my eyes, trying to remember any detail I could grasp to keep it in my mind just for a moment. My husband came home from lunch that day and I said,
“Let’s call her Esther.”
Understanding exactly what I meant, he simply said “okay.”. It was the one baby name we agreed on completely. I’m so thankful for this life that God gave me and God took away. All in all I know God knew. That’s why he’d been giving me glimpses of her since I was twelve years old. Esther is my angel baby. The one in my dream that I can replay in my mind. The little girl I called to. The daughter we’ll meet someday in heaven in her perfect form just the way God intended her to be.
This blog is raw and personal and I’ve shed tears as I type. I’m sharing my story because many women know my pain. I’ve been debating on sharing for some time but haven’t until now because I can feel God holding onto me. Saying “It’s going to be okay Patience. Don’t be afraid.” I shouldn’t be afraid to show what causes me pain to others especially something so dear to my heart.
Blessings.. Until I write again…